Chirping Is Like Sniping
It Hits The Mark
But Kills The Target

Chirping was my Dad’s parenting style, and he did it a lot but don’t get me wrong. I mean no disrespect. I never doubted he loved me and he did many things to show it.

From what I can tell, though, many parents employ the chirp and they, like him, are really good parents in many ways. These are not bad people.

My father, for example, provided all the basic things a family needs.

A roof over our heads, good nutrition, access to good schooling, good medical care and great dental care. In fact, the dentist was the best in our city. No lie. I have fillings today that are over 50 years old. They will outlast the ivory. Also, to my great delight, every Christmas I got everything I wanted and more.

He was a good father but one area in which he didn’t do so well was chirping. That doesn’t mean he was bad. It means he was imperfect and that’s Okay because there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

I tried to honor him by remembering all the great things he did and there are many good memories. But I also honored him by trying to isolate his parenting mistakes and improve on them.

I’ve told my kids the same. Don’t mimic me. Copy the things I did well and improve on what I did wrong.

There’s nothing worse than a father who thinks he can do no wrong. Authenticity is a great relationship tool even between parents and children.

Well, as I mentioned, one thing my Dad did wrong was “Chirp” and he did it a lot. Here’s what I mean by that. [Read more…] about Good Parenting: Don’t Chirp

Natural Ability Is Inborn
And Out Of Your Control

At the writing of this post, my wife and I have been married over forty years. It’s been a great ride. Lots of memorable moments and some of the best of those memories revolve around our children. We were blessed with two. Both boys.

The first was born a year and a day after we were married and the second was born three and a half years after the first.

And I must say, we could never have anticipated the nature of our kids. We tried. We visualized stardom in many ways but the visuals are long gone and they turned out quite different. They are both grown men now and we are still discovering new things about each one. And we are open to this. We now watch comfortably while they cycle through personal developments.

In the early years, however, we didn’t have this wisdom. They were different to each other – and our expectations – and we weren’t always sure how to interpret this.

One son, our oldest, wasn’t a star athlete but on a personal level he was engaging and a great conversationalist. It was incredible. He never lacked for friends.

He was a quick study too. Never had problems in the classroom.

People were drawn to him. When he was around there was always a group and a discussion. He was comfortable with himself and had the ability to make others feel comfortable too. He was charming and disarming.

The most amazing thing is he was always open with us. There was nothing he was afraid to talk about with Mom or Dad. If he had a problem, he would find a way to mention it. He was never the quiet withdrawn teen that many parents struggle with. He not only did what we asked, he believed what we said without question. He assumed we knew what we were talking about. What a pleasure.

Our second son, however, was different. He was quiet. He listened to us and usually did what we asked but he also like to figure things out for himself, which means he would gently push a boundary occasionally just to test the theory.

We know now that it wasn’t rebellion but we weren’t sure about that at the time.

And he didn’t talk about it either. When the four of us had a conversation he listened a lot. He was so quiet we would almost forget he was there. Even questions aimed directly at him didn’t really spur much of a response. We learned never to ask anything that could be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”

We weren’t sure how to interpret this. Did he have a bad attitude? Did he feel left out? Was he shallow? We even questioned our parenting skills. Were we lacking something?

We didn’t know the answers to those questions. We weren’t even sure which ones applied, so we were never quite sure what to do about it.

Any efforts to try and draw him out were met with consternation. He didn’t like it and closed off even more.

Again, I don’t want to paint the wrong picture. He wasn’t living on the dark side. As I said, he usually did what we asked. There were a few childhood hiccups, which we accepted as normal. The problem was we never seemed to connect.

We loved both kids equally but you couldn’t tell that by looking. The difference in personal interaction mileage between the two was noticeable. We engaged the one often. The other not so much. Any onlooker would easily guess the oldest son was our favorite.

But, one day something unusual happened. At the time it didn’t seem life changing but looking back it was monumental. [Read more…] about Which Child Is Your Favorite?

Shirley, the author of Blended Family Advice: A step-by-step guide to help blended and step families become strong and successful, is not only a qualified psychologists specializing in marriage and family counseling – with two Masters degrees, one in family and marriage counseling and one in education – but also a wife and mother in a blended family. She’s lived through the experience. She knows first hand what it takes to blend members from two different families into a secure family group and she honestly and openly provides gems of wisdom from both her academic training and her blended family experience.

Reading through the book it is clear that her advice is good for traditional family units also which means she is not changing the rules. Instead, Shirley is helping blended families navigate the unfamiliar turbulence created when two groups of people, previously unknown to each other, move toward a desirable place: family.

The book is refreshing because Shirley doesn’t excuse poor family structure on the challenges of being a blended family. She makes it clear from the start that sound family structure can be maintained in spite of the difficulties. The challenges are different but not impossible to deal with and the solutions she provides enable blended families to achieve the same stability as traditional ones. She provides copious amounts of “how to” instructions for many different scenarios. [Read more…] about Book Review: Blended Family Advice by Shirley Cress Dudley