NowTHINK!AboutIt

Education Safeguards Against Divorce

January 1, 2014 by EnnisP 1 Comment

Marriage Is Not A Crutch
Partners Are Not Cripples

The famous line, “you complete me,” was said by Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire) to Renée Zellweger (Dorothy Boyd) in the movie Jerry Maguire. The line stands out as one of the more memorable moments in a movie full of great philosophical content and unforgettable quotes.

It’s an idea we all get. It encapsulates a universal fact: no person stands alone. Anything you can do as one is made better by the addition of a soul mate – a person you admire, respect, love and are comfortable to partner with. Someone who completes you.

We usually refer to this second person as “better-HALF” because without them, as Tom said, we aren’t whole. The two reflect well on each other and when they find each other they embrace.

But there is a caveat. The value of what they are together is increased or decreased by what they are as individuals.

Let me explain.

Marriage Is Multiplication Not Addition But . . .

When two people marry, the outcome of their partnership – what they can accomplish together – is greater than the sum of the parts. It’s multiplication not addition. We understand that.

What we don’t readily see is that the outcome is still based on the value of each part. The Bride’s or Groom’s individual value doesn’t change at the wedding. A person can only add what they are to the marriage. Saying “I do” will not magically smelt gold ore into gold ingots.

What that means is this. Marrying too early, before personal development occurs, reduces the potential outcome.

Let’s put it in mathematical terms. If the groom has developed to the value of 4 and the bride to the value of 5 and marriage is multiplication, one multiplies the value of the other, the product is 20. They’ve combined their efforts and increased the output but their individual values haven’t changed.

Warning: If a person develops little before the wedding it is likely not to happen after. In that case married partners become crutches and non-developing mates lean and lounge.

So, to say it again. What a couple is as a pair is determined by what each one is as an individual. A few observations: [Read more…] about Education Safeguards Against Divorce

Divorce Laws Originally Designed To Be Punitive

December 31, 2013 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Without Love
Is Marriage Really Marriage?

There was a time in the not too distant past when divorce was treated like a criminal offense. To initiate the process, at least one mate had to be guilty and once guilt was established punishment was meted out. The laws were controlling and the outcomes were chaffing.

The process actually made things worse. If the parting couple was unhappy with each other before the divorce, they hated each other after and the feud spread. Friends and family got caught up in the hostilities too. Not smart.

How The Divorce Process Played Out

You can imagine how the scenario played out. One person, the petitioner, produced sufficient evidence to prove their partner was at fault and the effect of that is obvious. Not only would the partner feel smeared, there was also nothing they could do about it, that is, if he or she really wanted the divorce. An effective defense meant staying hitched. That’s how it worked. If the alleged fault couldn’t be substantiated the couple was sent home to live unhappily at odds ever after.

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The accused was between a rock and hard place. Either prove innocence and live with someone who doesn’t want you or accept the blame and be smudged for life. It was a LOSE-LOSE situation. [Read more…] about Divorce Laws Originally Designed To Be Punitive

Disparity In Drinking Habits Causes Divorce

December 27, 2013 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Disagreement Between Mates
Is Not A Minor Issue

Or so says NBCNEWS.com which reported on a study done by Kenneth Leonard, Ph.D., at the University of Buffalo.

Study data was compiled by following newlyweds over a nine year period and the conclusion was couples who consume alcohol at the same rate have a better chance of staying together than those who don’t.

Imbibing wasn’t the problem. Couples who abstained completely, rated no better on marriage durability than couples who drank heavily. It was disparity in the quantities consumed that made divorce likely.

Of course, the question is, why would a difference in alcohol consumption encourage divorce? The study provided no definite answers but the author said the findings give a couple of hints:

The difference may mean a couple is less likely to socialize together. Not a good thing since marriage is considered one of the closest of social units.
Different opinions about alcohol consumption suggests a lack of compatibility, the second most common reason for divorce, and it isn’t a minor issue.

The reasons for not drinking, or drinking very little, are often personal, even moral. That’s not a surprise. Alcohol has induced abuse of all kinds, automobile tragedies and relationship fails all of which leave indelible marks on those who live through or observe it closely. Partners with firsthand experience won’t easily accept a repeat of history.

To avoid getting into trouble early, wise individuals will ask the right questions before they say “I do.” They’ll also realize that getting married is nothing like becoming a missionary.

THINK!AboutIt

“Wait Till Marriage For Sex” Not The Best Advice

December 26, 2013 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Sex Is Only One Element
Of The Partnership
We Call Marriage

Sexuality is one of those issues we aren’t sure how to handle.

We know it’s a reality. We know it is really nice. We know it is meant for our good but it also presents many problems. The kinds of problems we are too shy to deal with openly and thoughtfully.

The easiest way to end the discussion is repeat an age old adage that is overused in the extreme, “wait till marriage.” It sounds smart, it doesn’t embarrass and it avoids dealing with myriads of other uncomfortable questions. It’s also more palatable than finding ways to disguise feminine allure. The thought is “Take this one piece of advice and all problems will be solved.” Or will they?

Let’s look at a few of the problems and see if “wait till marriage” is really the best advice.

Sex is not easy to deny

It takes very little to stimulate a sexual response and once the juices are flowing it requires a gargantuan effort to avoid the temptation.

This is probably the biggest problem and the best advice we can muster is “wait till marriage” as if marriage is synonymous with “wild uninhibited sex on demand.” Every married couple knows that isn’t true but honesty isn’t the point. Abstinence at any cost is.

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This kind of shallow advice neither makes sense nor works. The adage doesn’t carry enough cerebral weight to overcome the passion of the moment so we need to think of another approach. [Read more…] about “Wait Till Marriage For Sex” Not The Best Advice

Which Child Is Your Favorite?

December 25, 2013 by EnnisP Leave a Comment

Natural Ability Is Inborn
And Out Of Your Control

At the writing of this post, my wife and I have been married over forty years. It’s been a great ride. Lots of memorable moments and some of the best of those memories revolve around our children. We were blessed with two. Both boys.

The first was born a year and a day after we were married and the second was born three and a half years after the first.

And I must say, we could never have anticipated the nature of our kids. We tried. We visualized stardom in many ways but the visuals are long gone and they turned out quite different. They are both grown men now and we are still discovering new things about each one. And we are open to this. We now watch comfortably while they cycle through personal developments.

In the early years, however, we didn’t have this wisdom. They were different to each other – and our expectations – and we weren’t always sure how to interpret this.

One son, our oldest, wasn’t a star athlete but on a personal level he was engaging and a great conversationalist. It was incredible. He never lacked for friends.

He was a quick study too. Never had problems in the classroom.

People were drawn to him. When he was around there was always a group and a discussion. He was comfortable with himself and had the ability to make others feel comfortable too. He was charming and disarming.

The most amazing thing is he was always open with us. There was nothing he was afraid to talk about with Mom or Dad. If he had a problem, he would find a way to mention it. He was never the quiet withdrawn teen that many parents struggle with. He not only did what we asked, he believed what we said without question. He assumed we knew what we were talking about. What a pleasure.

Our second son, however, was different. He was quiet. He listened to us and usually did what we asked but he also like to figure things out for himself, which means he would gently push a boundary occasionally just to test the theory.

We know now that it wasn’t rebellion but we weren’t sure about that at the time.

And he didn’t talk about it either. When the four of us had a conversation he listened a lot. He was so quiet we would almost forget he was there. Even questions aimed directly at him didn’t really spur much of a response. We learned never to ask anything that could be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”

We weren’t sure how to interpret this. Did he have a bad attitude? Did he feel left out? Was he shallow? We even questioned our parenting skills. Were we lacking something?

We didn’t know the answers to those questions. We weren’t even sure which ones applied, so we were never quite sure what to do about it.

Any efforts to try and draw him out were met with consternation. He didn’t like it and closed off even more.

Again, I don’t want to paint the wrong picture. He wasn’t living on the dark side. As I said, he usually did what we asked. There were a few childhood hiccups, which we accepted as normal. The problem was we never seemed to connect.

We loved both kids equally but you couldn’t tell that by looking. The difference in personal interaction mileage between the two was noticeable. We engaged the one often. The other not so much. Any onlooker would easily guess the oldest son was our favorite.

But, one day something unusual happened. At the time it didn’t seem life changing but looking back it was monumental. [Read more…] about Which Child Is Your Favorite?